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There is a slow progression in the process of realizing the main cause of some spousal behaviors. First you feel that something is odd, because you have some feelings of hurt that don’t correspond with the objective situation…you are happily married, and then some response from your spouse makes the whole perception shake, and you are not so sure who you are.

One person at the end of her rope described this constant passive aggression as a situation where she would receive either punishment or love, in a sequence without any logic.

Mental torture followed by a bit of love then disappointment then promises and apologies then heartache again, in an endless roller coaster. She never was sure of his affection and began doubting herself.

Was she the cause of this treatment?

Perhaps if she loved more, if she could be more patient…things would be more stable?
There is no need to blame yourself. As long as she is showing her vulnerability and her unsolved needs to him, she is giving him sole control over the couple’s power.
There is no way of changing a passive aggressive person when he can manipulate his marriage to fit his own style of communication, regardless of her needs.

What is the right way of dealing with this personality?

What we need to understand is that a passive aggressive personality has been many years in the making, and is part of the very core of this person’s ability to relate. It is NOT a response to her behavior; it’s his “normal response” to everything that happens in his world, his marriage included…
Without entering into the psychological elements of what makes this person behave in such a defensive way, what is important to see is that this is a way of being, structurally organized, and nobody can change it from the outside.
Only the person who has learned to react in this way can realize the damage it causes to any relationship and make a plan to modify his own responses.
The only role a wife can have is to be a witness, and let him know what is the impact of his behavior on people around him, and on the relationships he says he needs. By denouncing as hurtful some of his responses, she is helping him recognize how inappropriate his answers are…and then hope that her words will motivate him to do otherwise.

Need more support and information?

Visit Passive Aggressive Husband

How to deal with a Passive Aggressive Husband is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

Technorati Tags: conflict, Confrontation, Emotional Abusive Husband

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A broken heart is not only a metaphor, but a reality: the physical consequences of aggression and fighting are felt much longer after a strong discussion ends, in the whole body. High conflict situations can literally and really kill you or make your heart suffer.

You are here, because you understand that there must be other ways of solving interpersonal conflicts..Up until now, you wanted to win in each confrontation, by convincing the other side how wrong he or she was.

After how many of those “deadly combat situations,” how come you see yourself loneliest and more isolated than ever?

Sometimes you won, only to feel that it was an empty victory, because you are not either more loved or respected… There is a pervasive belief that there are left “no alternatives for us,” but to fight to win.

As you know, if you can admit it, paradoxically, in human relationships, by “winning over the others,” you lose big time.

Is there any other way to do conflicts than to have a winner and a loser?

Can we develop skills to do things differently?

Can we get what we want or need, without fighting?

Or, even better, with the other person’s cooperation and support?

Of course you can, but it takes a little work to understand, first what we are doing in a manner that is unproductive and ineffective, and then to learn what has to be done in a more intelligent way.

REMEMBER: It is easy to win the logical battle, AND PAY THE PRICE AFTER: to be left A WINNER without love or recognition!

Why do we fight?

Because we need something from the people around us! We want acceptance, respect, being given a right place in our groups, families and all that is what we call “love”

Let’s take a look at how the world around us works, and then try to understand why things are as they are:

* In any office, there are people who can’t stand others; everything that is said and done around the water cooler provokes jealousy and a deep resentment. Underneath that level, competition for raises, better working conditions and respect is rampant. The competitive assumption around us is that whatever the other gets is taken from me, and this way of thinking will make inevitable the conflict between us.

* Interpersonal relationships need nurturing and care. If you forget this basic rule, you will be surprised by the endless variety of ways the other person will develop to call your attention, some of them good and positive and others obnoxious and even risky..all is preferable to being ignored! People will get sick, get into work-related problems and even drink in excess, all to be able to have a caring eye on them, all not to be left alone.

* When teenagers rebel, they are seeking to discover the limits imposed to them, and to practice stretching them.for anxious fathers, this is a confrontation to the end; they get terribly scared and try to produce rigid limits, putting themselves on the line. If the conflict escalates, it becomes a different thing: the old myth of the young having to destroy the power of the old, to be able to grow takes over. Nobody wants this, but they don’t know what else to do but to escalate positions and fight up to keep their own pride intact, until someone gives up; at this point there is little of the relationship left.

* Good neighbors can continue being so, if economics are even. When there is a disparity, and in a progressively more materialistic society, the family that owns less is sometimes left aside. Some people tend to feel that economic problems are somewhat contagious and don’t want to bother themselves contemplating the needs of others. At this point, the family set aside by others develops a rancorous attitude and will find some excuse to organize a territorial conflict, only to demonstrate that they are still there

Conflict is a way of relating to others, a way of calling out for support, connection and recognition. Deny this basic fact of life and you will be enmeshed into very nasty situations, or accept this situation in your own live and learn.

We, the author of Positive Conflicts and the support team, are here to help you decide what you need to do to live a better, richer life.

A life with mastery over confrontations either generated by you or by others.

A life with more control of the process and outcome of any discussion, not withstanding how difficult the issue can be.

You will live without fear of conflict, following the good ideas, suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by this PROGRAM, offered by www.positiveconflicts.org

Positive Conflicts Homepage | Read more Relationship Conflict Blogs

Positive Conflicts – The essence of Conflicts is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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In short, without conflict, you will never grow.

The Connection Between Change, Growth and Conflict is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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Perhaps you lost big time when you tried to impose your views on your spouse; or your best friendship ended in sour recriminations that nobody wanted, but nobody could stop.

What is the lesson here? What did you learn?

To go the other way, of course!

The reaction can be so extreme as to deny any conflict…

Do you smile when I quote that famous phrase in any organization: “Here we are a big family”?

Of course, that is denial big time! Some people decide that they will not see conflict, anywhere, and in this way they are always losing whatever was sin dispute, only to gain a fictitious peace!

As soon as other people realize this denial, they can get away with crime, because they know that no confrontation will follow.

It is very sad that by denial we give up our very soul, only to get along…

Can you respect yourself in this attitude choice?

In the future, you may even decide to escape; to do anything to avoid another conflict situation: giving in to other’s demands without being satisfied yourself, only to keep the peace; settling for second-best without getting your needs met, and in general taking refuge in a place where you don’t ever have to be bothered with anything related to confrontation, challenge, or friction.

You may have gone deep inside yourself, in fear and mistrust, refusing to get near other people again. Loneliness is preferable to anger and mistrust.

So, you become an avoider of conflict…but you need to avoid deep relationships also!

Or you can be a compromiser, who decides that 50% is the golden rule and end up with less of what you want and more of what you don’t want…

WAIT! I hear you saying: are there more ways of dealing with conflict, besides avoiding or denying it? Or accepting a compromise, any compromise offered, so to be able to walk away from it?

YES!

You can learn how to negotiate a fair solution for both parties, and be constantly in the attitude to search for a best solution for both sides, so to get both sides happy and with a better relationship than before!!! You can be a reconciler of extremely opposite positions.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Each conflict style has advantages and disadvantages, depending on what situation you find yourself

Whatever your take in conflict, to avoid or to confront, IF YOU ARE NOT A RECONCILER, results are very poor. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of satisfaction, and experiencing relationship strengthening. Welcome to the manual that will teach you how to manage conflicts without giving in, and how to stir a good conflict to get what you want and keep the other side happy!

In short, this is what you need to know about conflict:

* Conflict is inevitable.

* Although inevitable, conflict can be minimized, diverted, managed and/or resolved.

* Conflict develops because we are dealing with people’s lives, jobs, money, pride, self-concept, ego and sense of mission or purpose.

* Early indicators of conflict can often be recognized.

* There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work.

Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair.

For a complete set of techniques on how to deal with this issues it’s also important that you read my eBook “Positive Conflicts” . It’s the foundation for all of the things I teach in these newsletters.

You can download it here and be reading it in just a few minutes.
http://www.positiveconflicts.org

Positive Conflicts Homepage |  Read more Relationship Conflict Blogs

Positive Conflicts – What To Do With Conflicts is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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photo Daquella manera

Why does conflict escalate?

Escalation occurs because hurt feelings take control of the interaction. It’s the moment where the accumulated  feelings of lack of recognition, abandonment, or simply being ignored by your partner come together. When this feelings start to show in the argument both sides simultaneously change focus, and subject of the conflict is now being taken as medium to deliver the accumulated bad feelings.
If this type of conflict escalates, it becomes destructive.

To avoid further emotional injury let’s explore the levels of conflict:

A problem to be solved:
In this stage, you try to resolve the issue that causes the problem.
Your language is clear, specific and related to here and now of problem.

Signs:
Both partners behavior is controlled and positive towards each other.

A difference:
This is where you judge, criticize your partner’s behavior.
In this situations fears of being hurt comes in.
Signs:
Trying to control your own feelings, such anger and loneliness will restrict and block your (and your partner’s) willingness to listen

Confrontation:
To use own power to influence or create changes in present situation.
To define the limits for self-preservation reasons.
Distorted prescriptive and evaluative language.
Signs:
Demeaning harmful remarks.
Irritability, anger and personal attacks.
Verbal Abuse and domestic violence threats.

Fight or/and flight:
To remove Other from own life.
To punish Other.
To isolate Other from network of relatives and friends.
Signs:
Polar opposition in everything.
Confrontation reveals hidden past.
It may involve physical violence

Deadly Combat:
There is no other alternative left, than to destroy Other.
The Other becomes the main identified enemy of your life.
Signs:
Unrestrained attacks against the Other, his friends, relatives and ideas.
Total alienation from Other.

In the heat of a conflict, this chaotic states will obstruct your capacity to achieve your goals. It diminishes your ability of thinking clearly. Because fighting with a very dear person means establishing limits between you and your loved one, this emotional chaos will open door to separation and loss.

On the positive side, if you are able to manage this conflict, and prevent it’s escalation it can make your relationship long lasting. The secret is to identify when an argument is escalating and stop.

Remember that the relationship is more important that the subject of the discussion. So it’s ok to ask for a break, do something else, and discuss the issue when both parties had some time to reflect on it.

Why Some Arguments Do More Harm Than Good? is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

Technorati Tags: conflict, love, relationship

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