by LunaDiRimmel

There are those people who had relationships with a great person who turned out to be different in the end. Some keep holding on to an image of the past and raised so many questions and find it hard to get through. In the end it’s always good to hear what other folks have to say about it and help you in recovering from hurt feelings.
One break-up causes hurt feelings and devastation. Healing is not an overnight process. Either to continue or end the suffering.

Men really make it easier to recover than women. Well, what happens to most women is that they spend much of their mental energy into their feelings, that is why.

It is not easy to let go of some things that we have come to love. It is painful to think that some good moments has to end. I think some good things just do not last and what we can do is to move on. It takes time to do this. It is necessary to grieve…Everybody has been there. But it is not the place you want to be for the rest of your life.

Here are some ways in recovering from hurt feelings :

Time heals all wounds. It is necessary to grieve as it is a part of the healing process.

-You must allow yourself to go through all the stages of grieving. whether you like it or not but you will see yourself in disbelief, depression, bargaining, resolve and anger.
- It is helpful to express anger. It is a positive force. Through this, you will be able to realize your self-worth and self-esteem.
- It helps if you go out with your friends. They can provide you with attention and love. Drink but not too much.
- The fastest way to recover is to find way to stop thinking about the other person. It will lead you to revenge and you might do this to other people or to your next relationship.
- It is important to forgive yourself and forgive the person who has hurt you. You deserve to be free and be healed. By doing so you will have a peace of mind and it will help you recover fast.
- Keep busy. The last thing you want to do is to stay in your room and recall all the memories youv’e had with your ex. It will just become even more painful.
- Avoid jumping into another relationship. This is not helpful. Things will just repeat all over again.
- Think of what were you before they came into your life and your goals as well. Move on and learn from your past.

All these can help you in recovering from hurt feelings. Just enjoy and live life to the fullest.

Easiest Ways to Recovering from Hurt Feelings is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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by Le Nat

It is inevitable in a relationship to have ups and downs. Fights and arguments in a relationship makes it more exciting. But not all of these situations lead to a successful relationship. It can also destroy a solid foundation.

To have a better relationship, one must have relationship skills. First is to understand oneself. It is crucial to really know who we are and what we are capable of doing. This is a challenging task but one really has to solve whatever problem arises in his relationship. Knowing oneself, allows one to make good choices. This can also be a gradual process since it involves also bravery- to face oneself.

Identifying one’s feelings is another relationship skill. Emotions like anger, sadness, happiness can confuse you.You know that you’re feeling something. It is important to control your emotions or it will control you. Knowing how you’re feeling on a deeper level is important so you can stay with your feelings. This ability to “own” your thoughts and feelings will help you combat evil thoughts.

In addition, managing anger and conflict makes things easier. Problems get easly solved in a constructive way if it is expressed in a right amount. Problem-solving becomes easier if criticism is hadled very well.

Some relationships can be competitive rather than collaborative. Relationships are not meant that way. It will just create conflict and result to insecurities. Comparison in a relationship is not a good thing. This will always lead to a low self-esteem and self – worth. If this happens, the other person would feel less and can be destructive to his self.

One of the relationship skills that is important to learn is identifying and overcoming barriers to trust. Trust is important in a relationship. Some people do not understand its value. Trust disappears so easily in our lives. Trust gives strength to our relationships and gives us inner happiness. Life becomes brighter and brighter if we incorporate trust in our relationship. It also gives us a positive mentality and it is easier for us to handle situations. This works in some long distance relationships. With this virtue, there is a sense of deep bonding.

Communication is as important as trust. Responding and having the ability to understand another’s feelings and words will strengthen the relationship. Communication makes things easier to clarify.

Relationship Skills for True Happiness is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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In short, without conflict, you will never grow.

The Connection Between Change, Growth and Conflict is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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Perhaps you lost big time when you tried to impose your views on your spouse; or your best friendship ended in sour recriminations that nobody wanted, but nobody could stop.

What is the lesson here? What did you learn?

To go the other way, of course!

The reaction can be so extreme as to deny any conflict…

Do you smile when I quote that famous phrase in any organization: “Here we are a big family”?

Of course, that is denial big time! Some people decide that they will not see conflict, anywhere, and in this way they are always losing whatever was sin dispute, only to gain a fictitious peace!

As soon as other people realize this denial, they can get away with crime, because they know that no confrontation will follow.

It is very sad that by denial we give up our very soul, only to get along…

Can you respect yourself in this attitude choice?

In the future, you may even decide to escape; to do anything to avoid another conflict situation: giving in to other’s demands without being satisfied yourself, only to keep the peace; settling for second-best without getting your needs met, and in general taking refuge in a place where you don’t ever have to be bothered with anything related to confrontation, challenge, or friction.

You may have gone deep inside yourself, in fear and mistrust, refusing to get near other people again. Loneliness is preferable to anger and mistrust.

So, you become an avoider of conflict…but you need to avoid deep relationships also!

Or you can be a compromiser, who decides that 50% is the golden rule and end up with less of what you want and more of what you don’t want…

WAIT! I hear you saying: are there more ways of dealing with conflict, besides avoiding or denying it? Or accepting a compromise, any compromise offered, so to be able to walk away from it?

YES!

You can learn how to negotiate a fair solution for both parties, and be constantly in the attitude to search for a best solution for both sides, so to get both sides happy and with a better relationship than before!!! You can be a reconciler of extremely opposite positions.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Each conflict style has advantages and disadvantages, depending on what situation you find yourself

Whatever your take in conflict, to avoid or to confront, IF YOU ARE NOT A RECONCILER, results are very poor. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of satisfaction, and experiencing relationship strengthening. Welcome to the manual that will teach you how to manage conflicts without giving in, and how to stir a good conflict to get what you want and keep the other side happy!

In short, this is what you need to know about conflict:

* Conflict is inevitable.

* Although inevitable, conflict can be minimized, diverted, managed and/or resolved.

* Conflict develops because we are dealing with people’s lives, jobs, money, pride, self-concept, ego and sense of mission or purpose.

* Early indicators of conflict can often be recognized.

* There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work.

Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair.

For a complete set of techniques on how to deal with this issues it’s also important that you read my eBook “Positive Conflicts” . It’s the foundation for all of the things I teach in these newsletters.

You can download it here and be reading it in just a few minutes.
http://www.positiveconflicts.org

Positive Conflicts Homepage |  Read more Relationship Conflict Blogs

Positive Conflicts – What To Do With Conflicts is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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Interpersonal Conflict:

Conflict has been defined as “an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals”¹. Important concepts in this definition include “expressed struggle,” which means the two sides must communicate in words or actions about the existence of a problem for there to be conflict. Another important idea is that conflict often involves perceptions. The two sides may only perceive that their goals, or resources, are incompatible with each other’s.

This produces a growing frustration where parties, trying to have a consensus on some values, force the other to accept these values, ideas or propositions, only to obtain the other side’s resistance. A conflict escalates when both sides confront each other in a mounting interaction where more disdain, aggression and rejection appears at each threshold crossed. Escalation happens when growing attempts to reciprocal control, using emotional abuse and violence are reciprocated by the other.

INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT ESCALATION LEVELS

This chart shows the escalating steps, from a simple problem to the dissolution of the relationship. In each level, when parties reach the point of no return, they escalate to the next level, beyond which the whole conflict changes because is set up in a different set of feelings and behavior

Resolving Interpersonal Conflicts

Here are some ways to resolve conflict:

A.- If the conflict has reached only Level 1 and 2, probably there is still some good faith and parties can do some reflective listening on their own, to assure that they are paying attention to their partner’s claims.

1. Describe the conflict and the nonproductive behavior you are observing

Differences in needs, goals, values or competition for scarce resources are all potential triggers for conflict, in a view. In a different perspective, they are opportunities for sharing interests and negotiating with Others. If you find yourself in any step of this conflict escalation process, take the initiative to bring the disagreement to the surface as soon as you see it, and invite the other side to talk about reciprocal but differing points of view. Frame the conversation as an opportunity to get to know the other better, not as a competition for “who is right.”

2. Take the very important first step:

By bringing the common conflict out into the open, describing it in nonjudgmental terms, and framing it as a mutual problem, you acknowledge it as “ours.” Until then it will be very difficult to progress to a cooperative resolution. Now, you have stopped the automatic escalation and the damages, sometimes irretrievable, that it brings to the relationship.

2. Give to each one of you the opportunity to tell his/her story

To resolve interpersonal differences both sides must develop the skill of active listening, by inviting each other to describe their own side, including the emotional aspects of each story.

In active listening, the most difficult part is to give the Other undivided attention and not advising, reproaching or sermonizing, but sheer attention. At certain times, the person listening would check if he or she has understood what has been said in the right way. There is no need to jump to give solutions, either, but to assure that each position has been completely aired.

B.- If the conflict has escalated to Level 3, there are issues of mistrust and fear due to violence threats. Parties usually don’t feel like negotiating face to face, but would welcome the intervention of a third party, a trusted elder or friend, or a mediator, who would maintain a position of neutrality. Emotions are high, suspicion and mistrust are rampant, and feelings are very hurt, so a mediator can provide a frame of security and confidentiality. This mediator should continue with the missing steps in the process:

3. Have each person summarize what the other person said

Now invite each person to repeat back what the other person said. By having each one paraphrase the other’s main points, you are encouraging them to listen to and acknowledge each other’s views. Sometimes this leads to revelations, because both sides had assumed that they knew the hidden reasons for the Other’s behavior, which was incorrect. Much information is restrained and missing, and attributions occupy the place of valid info.

Then ask each person to confirm, clarify or correct the summary that was repeated back. This produces a reciprocal validation that replaces parts of the relationship destroyed in Level 3 of the escalation.

4. Ask each person, in turn, to identify points of agreement and disagreement

With conflicting views now calmly and clearly expressed and listened to with respect, the two parties may be surprised as to how much they actually agree. Mediator’s intervention while framing both sides as deserving of attention and respect is vitally important to legitimize interests and feelings.

Now, mediator invites each of them to first identify the points of agreement in their two respective positions. Then they will do the same for the areas of disagreement.

Mediator should draw a big chart with these points, so both sides can see the list of areas where they agree and the list of issues where they don’t agree, which will become the agenda for the problem-solving part of the meeting.

An interpersonal conflict is most likely to be productively resolved if both parties can see that they stand to gain something from its cooperative resolution. After building a base of mutual respect, the mediator’s job is to highlight what is in their mutual best interests or where they need each other to accomplish more than either of them could do on their own.

5. Invite both sides to suggest ways to proceed

Conflict resolution poses the most gain and the least pain when the parties are able to take a cooperative rather than an adversarial approach to working out differences. For this to happen, both of your parties need to own the problem and recognize that they have a stake in solving it.

Ask them to brainstorm solutions directed to the points of disagreement they’ve just reviewed. The mediator’s task is to have the parties reach agreement on the steps that are needed to resolve the situation. Such agreement is usually most effective when it involves some small quid pro quo between the two people. Let them offer any kind of solutions, and then select workable suggestions, and discard the ones that are not effective.

Ideally, they would offer small initial action steps they could do personally very soon.

If the process has been developed in a caring way, with lots of time for venting and thinking, parties have gained a lot. They have stopped the escalation, and regained any positive aspects of their relationship buried under the reciprocal aggression of the fight. Achieving this objective alone is a big step ahead for both parties, but if necessary the mediator could offer another meeting to further brainstorm solutions. The objective to stop escalation and recover a modicum of trust opens the possibility of a realistic agreement in the near future, based on the reciprocal new knowledge obtained through confrontation and mediation.

C.- If the parties have reached Level 5, is very possible that some agreement could be validated by a court, or a lawyer or a mediator, to deal with property or other decisions on tangible things, but the relationship among partners is irretrievable damaged.

1 Hocker, J.L. and Wilmot, W.W. (1991). Interpersonal conflict. Dubuque, IA: William C. Brown.

Resource:—>Nora femenia

Positive Conflicts Homepage |  Read more Relationship Conflict Blogs

Positive Conflicts – Escalation of Interpersonal Conflict is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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photo Daquella manera

Why does conflict escalate?

Escalation occurs because hurt feelings take control of the interaction. It’s the moment where the accumulated  feelings of lack of recognition, abandonment, or simply being ignored by your partner come together. When this feelings start to show in the argument both sides simultaneously change focus, and subject of the conflict is now being taken as medium to deliver the accumulated bad feelings.
If this type of conflict escalates, it becomes destructive.

To avoid further emotional injury let’s explore the levels of conflict:

A problem to be solved:
In this stage, you try to resolve the issue that causes the problem.
Your language is clear, specific and related to here and now of problem.

Signs:
Both partners behavior is controlled and positive towards each other.

A difference:
This is where you judge, criticize your partner’s behavior.
In this situations fears of being hurt comes in.
Signs:
Trying to control your own feelings, such anger and loneliness will restrict and block your (and your partner’s) willingness to listen

Confrontation:
To use own power to influence or create changes in present situation.
To define the limits for self-preservation reasons.
Distorted prescriptive and evaluative language.
Signs:
Demeaning harmful remarks.
Irritability, anger and personal attacks.
Verbal Abuse and domestic violence threats.

Fight or/and flight:
To remove Other from own life.
To punish Other.
To isolate Other from network of relatives and friends.
Signs:
Polar opposition in everything.
Confrontation reveals hidden past.
It may involve physical violence

Deadly Combat:
There is no other alternative left, than to destroy Other.
The Other becomes the main identified enemy of your life.
Signs:
Unrestrained attacks against the Other, his friends, relatives and ideas.
Total alienation from Other.

In the heat of a conflict, this chaotic states will obstruct your capacity to achieve your goals. It diminishes your ability of thinking clearly. Because fighting with a very dear person means establishing limits between you and your loved one, this emotional chaos will open door to separation and loss.

On the positive side, if you are able to manage this conflict, and prevent it’s escalation it can make your relationship long lasting. The secret is to identify when an argument is escalating and stop.

Remember that the relationship is more important that the subject of the discussion. So it’s ok to ask for a break, do something else, and discuss the issue when both parties had some time to reflect on it.

Why Some Arguments Do More Harm Than Good? is a post from: Positive Conflicts Blog

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