Why Some Arguments Do More Harm Than Good?


I’m sure you have had a situation where a simple argument quickly became a full blown, take no prisoners conflicts. We all have gone through this pain at a moment in our life. And most of the time we can still feel the pain today, long after we forgot why we stated it in the first place.
Why does conflict escalate?
Escalation occurs because hurt feelings take control of the interaction. It’s the moment where the accumulated  feelings of lack of recognition, abandonment, or simply being ignored by your partner come together. When this feelings start to show in the argument both sides simultaneously change focus, and subject of the conflict is now being taken as medium to deliver the accumulated bad feelings.
If this type of conflict escalates, it becomes destructive.
To avoid further emotional injury let’s explore the levels of conflict:
• A problem to be solved:
In this stage, you try to resolve the issue that causes the problem.
Your language is clear, specific and related to here and now of problem.
Signs:
Both partners behavior is controlled and positive towards each other.
• A difference:
This is where you judge, criticize your partner’s behavior.
In this situations fears of being hurt comes in.
Signs:
Trying to control your own feelings, such anger and loneliness will restrict and block your (and your partner’s) willingness to listen
• Confrontation:
To use own power to influence or create changes in present situation.
To define the limits for self-preservation reasons.
Distorted prescriptive and evaluative language.
Signs:
Demeaning harmful remarks.
Irritability, anger and personal attacks.
Verbal Abuse and domestic violence threats.
• Fight or/and flight:
To remove Other from own life.
To punish Other.
To isolate Other from network of relatives and friends.
Signs:
Polar opposition in everything.
Confrontation reveals hidden past.
It may involve physical violence
• Deadly Combat:
There is no other alternative left, than to destroy Other.
The Other becomes the main identified enemy of your life.
Signs:
Unrestrained attacks against the Other, his friends, relatives and ideas.
Total alienation from Other.
In the heat of a conflict, this chaotic states will obstruct your capacity to achieve your goals. It diminishes your ability of thinking clearly. Because fighting with a very dear person means establishing limits between you and your loved one, this emotional chaos will open door to separation and loss.
On the positive side, if you are able to manage this conflict, and prevent it’s escalation it can make your relationship long lasting. The secret is to identify when an argument is escalating and stop. Remember that the relationship is more important that the subject of the discussion. So it’s ok to ask for a break, do something else, and discuss the issue when both parties had some time to reflect on it.
by alexey05

by alexey05

Is it really worth it to argue in a relationship? Is argument something to embrace and not to avoid?


I’m sure you have had a situation where arguments quickly became a full blown, take no prisoners conflicts. We all have gone through this pain at a moment in our life. And most of the time we can still feel the pain today, long after we forgot why we stated it in the first place.

Why does conflict escalate?

Escalation occurs because hurt feelings take control of the interaction. It’s the moment where the accumulated  feelings of lack of recognition, abandonment, or simply being ignored by your partner come together. When this feelings start to show in arguments, both sides simultaneously change focus, and subject of the conflict is now being taken as medium to deliver the accumulated bad feelings.

If this type of conflict escalates, it becomes destructive.

To avoid further emotional injury let’s explore the levels of conflict:

• A problem to be solved:

In this stage, you try to resolve the issue that causes the problem.

Your language is clear, specific and related to here and now of problem.

Signs:

Both partners behavior is controlled and positive towards each other.

• A difference:

This is where you judge, criticize your partner’s behavior.

In this situations fears of being hurt comes in.

Signs:

Trying to control your own feelings, such anger and loneliness will restrict and block your (and your partner’s) willingness to listen

• Confrontation:

To use own power to influence or create changes in present situation.

To define the limits for self-preservation reasons.

Distorted prescriptive and evaluative language.

Signs:

Demeaning harmful remarks.

Irritability, anger and personal attacks.

Verbal Abuse and domestic violence threats.

• Fight or/and flight:

To remove Other from own life.

To punish Other.

To isolate Other from network of relatives and friends.

Signs:

Polar opposition in everything.

Confrontation reveals hidden past.

It may involve physical violence

• Deadly Combat:

There is no other alternative left, than to destroy Other.

The Other becomes the main identified enemy of your life.

Signs:

Unrestrained attacks against the Other, his friends, relatives and ideas.

Total alienation from Other.

In the heat of a conflict, this chaotic states will obstruct your capacity to achieve your goals. It diminishes your ability of thinking clearly. Because fighting with a very dear person means establishing limits between you and your loved one, this emotional chaos will open door to separation and loss.

On the positive side, if you are able to manage this conflict, and prevent it’s escalation it can make your relationship long lasting. The secret is to identify when arguments escalate and stop. Remember that the relationship is more important that the subject of the discussion. So it’s ok to ask for a break, do something else, and discuss the issue when both parties had some time to reflect on it.

Relationship problems

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This entry was posted on November 1, 2009, 3:50 pm and is filed under Arguments. You can follow any responses to this entry through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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